“Observation without evaluation is the highest form of intelligence.”
– J. Krishnamurti 1895-1986, Awarded 1984 UN Peace Medal
Do you ever find yourself feeling hurt by something someone said to you? Well, if it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone. This is an issue that many of us, including myself struggle with and in recent months, executive clients have brought this concern to their coaching sessions.
Is it possible to take things less personally? Yes, it is.
After my client and I agree that “not taking anything personally” will be one of their coaching goals, I often ask them to read the book The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. He explains that nothing others do to us is because of us; in fact, it is because of them. He even says that taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness because we are making the assumption that it is about us. And that when we honor the agreement of not taking anything personally, we will suffer less. You might want to read it yourself – interestingly enough, this book is required reading for some high schools.
The other thing I do is ask my clients to take a behaviorally-based assessment tool called DISC. This assessment demonstrates how individuals have a unique behavioral/communications style based on a blend of four areas. During the debriefing process, my client learns about their own style, how to read the styles’ of others and ultimately how to adapt for better communication, something called “situational leadership.” We often learn that when my client is in conflict with someone, it is because their styles are different. Again, the overall message is simple, because people have different styles, what they say or do, has little to do with us – it is really about them. We can observe how other people behave and understand that behavioral styles are different, neutral (not good or bad), and ultimately, not internalize the experience with the other person.
And for my clients who are open to it, I recommend yoga, sometimes referred to as “meditation in movement.” On a personal note, one of the benefits I’ve experienced from practicing Yoga is that once I connect inward and clear my mind from distractions, I feel more centered about who I am and less concerned about what others think of me. This is often echoed by the powerful voice of my teacher Denise as she repeats, “Be who you are; don’t be who other people tell you are; and build your own house of emotional and physical strength.”
If you’d like to receive your complimentary DISC report, feel free to contact me.